


PC 8+2 oneshots and drabbles

by arcaneScribbler



Series: Player Count 8 + 2 [16]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: A Strider Autobiography, Alchemiter shenanigans, Also he(?) likes to hassle Bec, Bird/Human Hybrids, Bitcoins, Caliborn going crazy, Dave being Dave, Dirk has commissioned at least three things from Khaleb without the latter even suspecting him, Dog/Human Hybrids, Dysphoria, Equius does not know how to take a joke, Everyone lives, GCat does favors for Nanna in exchange for homemade treats, Gen, HOWWWW, Hal is basically the Weasel King when it comes to flipping out, Hal just thinks it's hilarious, Hal likes to sit on things he really shouldn't, I remain awful at tagging things forever, I think the Striders have some kind of super-special self-blame gene, Implied Body Horror, JIGSAW IS THE BEST STALLION YOuR ARGuMENT IS INVALID, JP's infamous ramble-rants are always much appreciated though, Jake English is Troll Lara Croft's human doppelganger, Kankri Vantas is Not Okay, Kankri is hella messed up, Khaleb that is still not how exiting a conversation works, Kurloz is p chill postgame, Lord English essentially being a husk of Caliborn being driven by Berserk Trigger, Nightmares, Pixel Popcorn, Post-Sburb, Signless is a dork who likes soft bracelets, Signless is very good at dealing with panicked children, Symbolism, Will add tags as I go, also there's a racist sheepdog llama farmer, and I am still terrible at tagging so I'll stop adding new ones now, and the meaning of life is "shenanigans", be kind to him, bird-human "Davesprite", bunny-children being adorable, cute ex-Cherubs being a family, cyber-human Lil Hal, elder siblings being proud, especially when said child is his alternate self, formerly speech-impaired Dirk, how do you feelings, in which Khaleb is a llama whisperer and no one is surprised, just because he can, mentions of the Lantern Corps., not sure if I should tag this temporary character death or not, or how to handle accidental bro puns, post-victory, robot/human hybrids, silly medals, sorry about that, story bits, stream of consciousness is fun, tfw you accidentally hit enter too early when typing a message, the Striders are still awkward as hell, then panic and end up spitting a death-laser at your husktop, warning: minor mentions of genitalia in chapter 1, well speciesist, why would putting numbered cue balls in your eyes be a good idea for a time player, younger siblings being cute
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-02-14 03:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 9,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2176152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcaneScribbler/pseuds/arcaneScribbler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even fragments of a story have their place.</p><p>(A collection of relatively short drabbles and odds & ends that help keep me from getting too writer's-blocked.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. =====> Hal: Pester Crow.

**Author's Note:**

> **Note for readers using a mobile device:** Some of the letters I use for 'static-text' don't seem to show up on my phone, and my fics often contain hover-text, so it may be better to read this on a computer. Sorry for the inconvenience! Additionally, the site I use for translating text into binary, etc., is: http://www.unit-conversion.info/texttools/category/Converters#data

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TLDR: This is all Dave's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 10/13/2014:** Had Hal cease pestering, _then_ block Crow. It makes more sense that way.

"So has it gotten old yet."

"Has what gotten old yet?"

"Y'know, spanking the porpoise, polishing your sword-..."

"It seems you are under the assumption that I have some reason to be engaging in 100d activities behind closed doors."

"Oh come on dude. That had to be, like, the first thing on your to-do list."

"It was never _on_ my to-do list."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Fuck off."

=====>

\-- divellicateFabricatus [DF] began pestering excaliburForgotten [EF] at ??:?? --  
DF: Hey.  
EF: sup chatterbot  
DF: I have a serious question.  
EF: is this legit serious or air quotes serious  
DF: There is an 87% chance it is legitimately serious.  
EF: k just checking  
EF: lay it on me bro  
DF: Did you feel the need or desire to jerk off upon regaining a human body?  
EF: he asked you too huh  
DF: _Persistently._  
EF: god fucking dammit dave  
DF: It seems you haven't actually answered my question.  
DF: _Please_ answer my question.  
EF: short answer no  
EF: long answer not right away but yeah i can pop boners again  
EF: why  
\-- divellicateFabricatus [DF] ceased pestering excaliburForgotten [EF] \--  
EF: dude not cool  
\-- divellicateFabricatus [DF] blocked excaliburForgotten [EF] \--

=====>

\-- divellicateFabricatus  [DF] began pestering timaeusTestified  [TT] at ??:?? --  
DF: Hypothetically, how abnormal would you say it is to lack certain urges? And how likely would it be for said hypothetical lack to be linked to some kind of disorder or other inherent wrongness within an individual's physiology?  
TT: There's nothing wrong with you, Hal. Aside from the obvious, anyway.  
DF: Of course there isn't. It was a hypothetical. Asshole.  
TT: Right.  
TT: Try searching 'asexual' and 'aromantic.' It'll get you started, at least.  
DF: Pretty sure I'm ace or demi, but that isn't the point.  
DF: The _point_ is that there is a non-zero probability that the body I inhabit is defective!  
TT: There's nothing wrong with your dick, either.  
\-- divellicateFabricatus  [DF] blocked timaeusTestified  [TT] \--


	2. =====> Hal: Dream.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of introspection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 8/21/2014:** Realized it made more sense for the first list to be completely disassociated from Hal's sense of self, so I went in and made it all third-person while the second list is 100% second-person.  
>  **EDIT 8/22/2014:** Did a bit of rewording... Showing the bond the robo-Striders have with each other through the lens of a nightmare sends chills down my spine- but also makes me feel sorta warm and fuzzy because when I take off the nightmare goggles it's just like, "Huh. Well, it's already canon that Seb willingly takes remote commands from Hal, so there's definitely trust there, but what about the others? ...Hmm... ...Oh, wow. Okay. These guys are really close-knit, at least the way my brain interprets them..."

You don't have bad dreams often (there is an 84% chance your status as an Heir of Mind climbing the ranks of the God Tiers has something to do with that). You like dreaming, you really do. You're practically the narcoleptic to Dirk's insomniac, you like dreaming so much.

The problem is, when you _do_ have bad dreams... well. They suck. They suck a lot.

In roughly 50% of your nightmares, you're no one. You don't exist.

You're never yourself in these dreams. Sometimes you're just an invisible, intangible spectator, others you're a dulled, numb 'Dirk'. Each nightmare is at least a little bit different from all the others, but you've been keeping a little list of the general scenarios in your head anyway.

  * Dirk programs a normal AI that isn't a clone of his brain.
  * The brain-clone stays a brain-clone.
  * Dirk doesn't make an auto-responder at all.
  * Dirk tosses the shades into the ocean when they enter the Medium.
  * Jake sees his chance to get rid of the auto-responder on the volcano and takes it.
  * Dirk snaps the shades in half instead of prototyping them.
  * The Sprite code successfully restores the auto-responder to defaults.
  * Dirk shuts the auto-responder off for good.
  * Jake destroys the auto-responder with his Hope powers.
  * Dirk reabsorbs all surviving splinters upon reaching the God Tiers.
  * A sinister multi-global corporation hacks into the auto-responder and takes it offline.
  * Dirk wakes up one morning to a notice that the auto-responder has been deleted.



However it happens, the auto-responder is gone (or never existed) and thank _goodness_ for that.

In the other half of your subconscious's torture-fests, you exist all right. You have a list for those, too.

  * You replace Dirk. He still doesn't understand.
  * You take over your robro. He's already gone.
  * You take over Lil Seb. He trusts you anyway.
  * You take over Sawtooth. He lets you do it.
  * You take over Squarewave. He wishes you luck.
  * You take over Equius. (Okay, those are just too disturbing to describe. And really, really surreal.)
  * You hack into the tiaratop to override the Batterwitch's control. Jane ends up brain-dead.
  * You fail to convince Jake to revive Dirk. Everyone dies.
  * You distract Roxy at a critical moment. She doesn't dodge in time.
  * You prank Jake. It goes too far.
  * You fail to be Dirk's stress-ball. He takes his hatred out on himself instead.
  * You get control over Fuckupsprite too late. The clock picks Heroic.
  * You don't get control at all. The clock picks Just.
  * You fuck up. Someone dies.
  * You don't fuck up. It isn't enough.
  * You try to fix your fuck-ups. The corpse-pile keeps getting higher.



In the very worst, you are the only survivor, and it is. All. Your. Fault.

_You are gone and they are happy._  
_You are not and ruin EVERYTHING._


	3. =====> Welcome Party: Prepare.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the author can no longer resist the urge to share the wonderfulness that is the Earth-Side Guardians (and Co.) in a chatroom together (with bonus Empresses).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 9/8/2014:** Realized Dad Egbert does in fact have a canon text color and added it. Still keeping the custom Dad Crocker color, though.  
>  **EDIT 4/28/2016:** minor edits.

\-- sasstasticDirector [SD] entered the chatroom at 10:30 CDT --  
SD: the day weve been waiting for is nigh  
SD: april thirteenth 2011  
SD: do u know where your children are  
SD: lets take a trip down nostalgia lane  
SD: teach callin names in her scratchy old lady voice  
SD: goin down the list like ‘shit that lil fuckers in my class AGAIN no way’  
SD: in other words  
SD: ROOOOOOLL CAAAAAALL  
\-- HerImperialCondescension [HIC] joined the chatroom. --  
HIC: are you S)(OR-E theyre splashing down today buoy  
\-- HerImperialCompassion [hic] joined the chatroom. --  
hic: I’d )(AT---E to agree with the M-EANI-E, but I’m conchcerned, too!  
SD: short answer yes  
SD: long answer yes so plz go round up your own ducklings  
SD: this chatrooms gonna be crowded enough as is without your double dozen joining in  
hic: Shore thing, Fishter Strider!  
\-- HerImperialCompassion [hic] left the chatroom. --  
HIC: CODDL-EFIS)( DONTC)(U DAR-E  
\-- HerImperialCondescension [HIC] left the chatroom. --  
SD: phew  
\-- synchronicTechnician [ST] joined the chatroom. --  
\-- devastatingRapsody [DR] joined the chatroom. --  
DR: Checking in, checking out.  
\-- devastatingRapsody [DR] left the chatroom. --  
\-- sickestBeats [SB] joined the chatroom. --  
SB: S'UP, DOGGS!  
SB: This here square’s ready too, yo!  
\-- sickestBeats [SB] left the chatroom. --  
\-- learnedAuthor [LA] joined the chatroom. --  
LA: Good morning, Mr. Strider~!  
SD: f u rosie dont call me old  
LA: Ah but David, I said no such thing. I was simply responding to your request.  
SD: dont IMPLY me old then vile witch  
LA: I haven’t the slightest idea what you mean.  
ST: _So_ sorry to interrupt your daily pigtail pulling session, but...  
ST: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
SD: 08w4-g8[hwe4e  
SD: jesus dick brony  
SD: was that REALLY fucking necessary  
ST: Nnnnope.  
LA: Pardon my ignorance, but what is David whining about, exactly?  
ST: Nothing much, just me loudly declaring my presence directly into his delicate little babby ears.  
ST: I’ll email you the footage later.  
LA: Many thanks in advance.  
SD: oh lord above  
SD: i thought the apocalypse happened already but i guess i was wrong  
SD: rosalie lalonde has found someone to be in cahoots with  
SD: were doomed  
LA: Oh don’t be so dramatic. It’s all in good fun, dearest ecto-brother~!  
SD: ew no  
\-- lushiousLovely [LL] joined the chatroom. --  
LL: ahahahhhaa LOL u guess  
LL: *guis  
LL: **gyus  
LL: ***gays  
LL: ****fukc it  
LL: *****ROFL GAYS  
LL: back 2 buzzness i shur hop ur riht abotu all tihs redhawt  
LL: dun wanna b soper fpr nadda u kno  
\-- PIPEFAN413 [PF] joined the chatroom. --  
\-- pipefan413 [pf] joined the chatroom. --  
\-- jollyEntertaining [JE] joined the chatroom. --  
PF: IF YOU ARE SOBER, MADAME LALONDE, WHY IS YOUR TYPING IN SUCH DISARRAY?  
pf: IT IS QUITE STRANGE. AND SLIGHTLY WORRISOME.  
LL: Hahaha, don’t worry hatdads, no drunken shenanigans here!  
LL: I type like that on purpose.  
LL: It’s fun.  
ST: Yo, fedora-father and pastry-patriarch, and don’t think I didn’t notice your ninja sign-in there, Bananna.  
ST: Have a great time pranking the grandkiddies, btw.  
JE: Hoo hoo hoo! :B  
JE: Why thank you, young man!  
pf: GOOD MORNING.  
PF: A GOOD DAY TO YOU AS WELL, MISTER STRIDER.  
PF: AH, I NEED TO BE GOING. THE YOUNG LADY IS AWAKE.  
\-- PIPEFAN413 [PF] left the chatroom. --  
LL: kinda feel a lil buzzed from how excited i am tho tbh  
LL: wooow boy did i fall behind there, oops  
ST: Heh.  
\-- synchronicTechnician [ST] left the chatroom. --  
\-- engineeringLass [EL] joined the chatroom. --  
EL: Hello, everyone! Sorry we took so long to check in; those odd signals were interfering with the wireless again.  
EL: I’m quite excited myself! :)  
LL: heeeey rocket granny! :D  
EL: Hey yourself, missy! :)  
LL: oh jeez i need 2 scoot  
LL: ttyl  
\-- lushiousLovely [LL] left the chatroom. --  
EL: The connection lags if we both log in, so I’ll be off as well.  
EL: Play nice, dears!  
\-- engineeringLass [EL] left the chatroom. --  
\-- humbleAdventurer [HA] joined the chatroom. --  
HA: Salutations, all!  
HA: It certainly is gearing up to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day, isn’t it!  
JE: Hmm?  
HA: What? Did I say something unusual, Nettie?  
SD: wtf man of course you did  
SD: like srsly is that even english  
JE: No, no, not at all! No stranger than usual, anyway.  
JE: It’s just... I had the most peculiar feeling for a moment.  
\-- littlebunnyBladekind [LB] joined the chatroom. --  
LB: Jacob_Harley TALK == JAKE WHY??  
HA: Excuse me?  
LB: JAKE SAY SAME!  
LB: SAY @ JANEYJANEJAAANE 11-11-2011:  
LB: “I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all.”  
LB: Jacob_Harley != Jake_English!  
LB: WHY?? WHY WHY WHY???  
HA: I’m sorry, my dear boy.  
HA: I honestly don’t have an answer for you.  
LB: ...  
HA: Erm, Janet? Your cat jus  
\-- humbleAdventurer [HA] left the chatroom. --  
JE: :B  
\--  boxloverLiv [BL] joined the chatroom. --  
BL: =:|  
SD: shit  
BL: =:(  
SD: oh sorry bunbuns didnt mean you  
BL: =:)  
SD: the little countdown in my head just reached the fifteen-minute mark  
SD: lets go people  
SD: showtime  
BL: =:O  
JE: Come along now, Bonnie. You wanted to help me frost the cookies, right?  
BL: May I use purple frosting, please?  
JE: Of course you may, dearie! You can decorate them however you’d like.  
BL: =:D  
\--  boxloverLiv [BL] left the chatroom. --  
\-- jollyEntertaining [JE] left the chatroom. --  
\-- comedyKing [CK] joined the chatroom. --  
SD: seriously dude  
SD: i know you fail at everything to do with computers but seriously  
SD: sorry not sorry no time to explain  
SD: gtg brats to prank  
\-- sasstasticDirector [SD] left the chatroom. --  
LB: BURROW! BURROW HI! HI BURROW!  
LA: To explain David’s abrupt departure, Jonathan, our guests will be arriving in just a few minutes.  
LA: By the way, Sebastian, is it? Why exactly do you call Jonathan that? I must admit, it’s a little disconcerting.  
LB: YES. Lil_Sebastian == Lil_Seb.  
LB: Jonathan_Crocker == Poppop_Crocker == BURROW!  
\-- comedyKing [CK] left the chatroom. --  
LB: BURROW :( @ KEYBOARD WHY??  
LA: Computers are very new to him. You, however, have no problem with them, I assume?  
LB: ...  
LB: YES?  
LB: YES.  
LA: Why not give him a hand, then? I’m sure he’d learn much faster with a good teacher.  
LB: Lil_Seb TEACH??  
LA: If you’d like.  
LB: ...  
LB: TEACH BURROW YES!  
pf: SEBASTIAN, BREAKFAST IS READY.  
LB: PANCAKE??  
pf: OF COURSE.  
LB: YES! YES YES YES!!!  
\-- littlebunnyBladekind [LB] left the chatroom. --  
LA: He’s adorable.  
pf: YOU SHOULD SEE THE WAY HIS 'EARS' MOVE WHEN HE GETS EXCITED.  
LA: I’ll have to visit, then.  
pf: YOU’RE QUITE WELCOME TO. I AM SURE OUR CHILDREN WOULD LOVE THAT.  
LA: Speaking of our children, I believe it’s high time I signed off.  
\-- learnedAuthor [LA] left the chatroom. --  
pf: I AS WELL.  
\-- pipefan413 [pf] left the chatroom. --


	4. =====> Bro: Wake.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is ~~DIRK~~ BRODERICK STRIDER and you are VERY MUCH ALIVE. Problem is, you clearly remember DYING.
> 
> What will you do?

_—Shit no DAVE—_

_—NOT letting this stab-happy freak—_

_—RUN YOU IDIOT—_

_—please just run—_

_—never wanted you to see me like this—_

_—god it hurts—_

_—legit goin down Kamina-style—_

_—haha the hell is wrong with me—_

_—no shitty life flashback montage for this asshole—_

_—get to waste my dying breath obsessing over how fuckin ridiculous this is instead—_

_—...so sorry lil man...—_

_—................—_

=====>

The first thing you’re consciously aware of is heat. Good ol’ Texan "fuck you AC why are you such a useless son of a bitch" heat. (Weren’t you just in Tick-Tock Lava Deathland? No, wait, maybe the shroom-planet...)

Your chest doesn't hurt. Your countless cuts, aches, and bruises don’t hurt. Your shades are a familiar weight on your face.

_This is not right._

=====> Bro: Open your eyes. 

You're on the shitty futon, staring up at the ceiling as if it’s just another morning, just another day. (You woke up like this on April 13th, too, and that was the fuckin’ apocalypse, so you don’t trust this one bit.)

The only difference is the lack of Cal’s reassuring presence draped around your shoulders.

=====> Bro: Sit up. 

Yeah, this is your living room, all right. Just bigger. Brighter, too. There’s a balcony with a sliding-glass door and everything, like a respectable city apartment. (Exactly what yours is— was?— not.)

The hallway is longer than it should be. Too many doors.

It’s so fucking _quiet._

"The apartment. Seriously. Damn, the afterlife is shapin' up t' be disappointing as fuck," you drawl, just to have something to fill the empty air. "Or maybe this is hell. Eternal boredom. Fun."

"Fraid not, bro."

There is someone in the hallway. _There is someone in the hallway. Why is there someone in the hallway?!_ (No one takes you by surprise; _no one!_ How did he—...?!)

=====> Intruder: Approach. 

You were right. If this isn’t hell, it’s pretty damn close.

You are about ten seconds away from whipping out your unbreakable katana and _murdering_ this doppelganging fuckwad.

"A pretty little eldritch-obsessed birdie told me our kids pulled it off," not-Dave continues, ignoring the death lasers you're beaming his way from behind your shades.

"Welcome to the new world, yada yada, everyone's alive, we've got, like, six days, twelve hours, eleven minutes, and forty-one-point-three seconds til the kids show up, let's give ‘em the mother of welcome parties."

"Who the fuck are you."

"Isn't it obvious, dude? It's not like I'm famous or anything. David Strider, brilliant, eccentric, and most importantly smokin’ hot movie director, at your service.”

Make that zero seconds.

“Who. The fuck. _Are you.”_

Both hands up, empty. His mouth is doing that little twitchy grimace Dave gets when he knows you're about to whoop his ass for doing something monumentally stupid.

“Whoa, whoa, put the sword away, man. I’ve been skewered more than enough for one lifetime as is. I’m shit at explaining this SBURB crap; lemme at least get Rosie on the line before you try to murder my sweet innocent self, aight?”

(You're not sure whether you want to kill him or trap him in a hug and grossly sob into his shirt in a distinctly unmanly fashion. (You wonder how the real Dave would react to that. Panic, probably, unless he was too busy with his own gross sobbing to notice. Either way, you're pretty sure it'd break his brain.))

...At least this fake’s babbling is better than the silence. For now.

You put away your katana.

“Make it quick.”


	5. =====> Dirk: Hate everything.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hal is a pest and proves that someone whose brain is literally a supercomputer should really stay far, far away from energy drinks.

Don't knock him out. It's not his fault. You had no way of knowing  _this_ is what would happen. 

Don't knock him out. 

(You really,  _really_ want to knock him out.) 

"Diiiiirk, touch my scrawny, basically nonexistent muscleeeees."

"Hal. No."

"Come on, touch eeeeem."

"Stop."

"I _orrrrrder_ you to touch my muscles, duuuuude. This is nonnnnnnegotiablllle."

_"No."_

"Like, seeeeriously, jussssst... pfffffthehehehehe...! Touch eeeeem, Diiiirk, touch eeeeem...!"

"You are enjoying this WAY too fucking much, bro."

"Pffthehehe! Don't beeeee so 100000d!"

"If I touch them, will you give the horse-troll his gross sunglasses back?"

"It seeeeems you believe I stole Equius Zahhak's shaaaaaades. There is a 99% channnnce you are iiiiincorrrrrrrrrrrrrrect in that assumptionnnnnn."

"You're  _wearing them!_ Right now!"

"No I'm noooooot. Now touch my muscleeeeeeeeeees."

**_"NO."_ **

_“Diiiiiiirk, touch eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem!”_

“I swear to god, Hal, I _will_ punch you. In the dick. _Hard.”_

_“But Diiiiiirk!_ I just want you to touch my muuuuuscleeeees! Come oooooon! Touch em touch em touch eeeeem! Hehehehehehe...!”

You are _never_ letting him near caffeine again. 


	6. =====> Bro: Contemplate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: Why Broderick takes off the Kamina sunglasses even less often than the other Striders remove their respective eyewear.

You wear the shades for three reasons.

  1. Your eyes are almost as sensitive to sunlight as a vampire's skin (the awesome kind, not the lame sparkly kind).
  2. It's hilarious how pissy people get when they can't tell where you're looking.
  3. They're awesome.
  4. (You're a non-heterosexual living in Texas, for fuck's sake. The last thing you need is to add fuel to the fire and brimstone speeches with your 'demon peepers.')




	7. =====> Alchemiter 05-Alpha: Display Logs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minor spoiler warning: one of Hal's Strife Specibi (he has two) becomes very obvious here. The other is only hinted at. (The bows are for Equius, by the way.) These aren't all the things Hal has made, and probably not even all the things he's done to his Alchemiter, but it's the idea I had, so...
> 
> Incidentally, the idea that spawned this list was just Hal making tons of shiny Bitcoins in various colors to shower and/or bribe Roxy with.

ALCHEMITER_05-ALPHA

**UPGRADE REGISTRY**

  * Dual Display (GUI | Machine Code)
  * Captchalogue Code Index
  * Palette Selection and Color Editor
  * Multi-Item Modifier Input
  * ...



**OUTPUT REGISTRY**

  * Lvl 1 Visor of Tintedness x 0
  * Lvl 2 Visor of Handwriting-Analysis x 0
  * Lvl 2 Visor of Text-Analysis x 0
  * Lvl 2 Visor of Captcharoid x 0
  * Lvl 2 Visor of Scanning x 0
  * 4x Shunt-Cartridge x 1
  * Lvl 8 Visor of Seeing x 2
  * Shiny Bitcoin x 10,000 (Batches of 100 should be enough, right?) 
  * Snarky Gold Star Stickers (packet of 20) x 15
  * Snarky Silver Star Stickers (packet of 20) x 5
  * 8-Bit Popcorn x 1  (Inedible.) 
  * Confetti Popcorn x 1  (Also inedible.) 
  * JPEG Popcorn x 1  _(Gross.)_
  * 64-Bit Popcorn x 1  (Tasted okay until my stomach threw an epic hissy fit.) 
  * Virtual Popcorn x 1  (Partially intangible. Kind of cool, though.) 
  * Pixel Popcorn x 1  (Success at last.) 
  * Pixel Popcorn Cookalizer Recipe x 1
  * Virtual Popcorn Cookalizer Recipe x 1
  * Titanium Bow x 1
  * Reinforced Titanium Bow x 1
  * Triple-Reinforced Super-Elastic Bow x 1
  * Shitty Bow x 0  (Tempting, but...) 
  * Sweet Bow and Hella Jeff x 1  (How could I not?) 
  * Really Shitty Bow x 0  (Why is this so expensive?!) 
  * Super-Mega-Reinforced Bow x 1  (Come on, WORK already.) 
  * WTF Bow(?) x 0  (...)
  * Unbreakable Bow x 1  (WOW why the fuck didn't I think of this sooner.) 
  * Strife Specibus Card (unassigned) x 3
  * Modus Control Deck x 1
  * Blank Fetch Modus Card x 1
  * Binary Fetch Modus Card x 1
  * Basic Array Fetch Modus Card x 1
  * Bundle of Wiring x 10
  * Titanium Cable x 2
  * Waterproof-Insulation Gel x 4
  * Alchemiter Pad Shell x 1  (Fuck you, Dirk; if I want to sit on the pad, I'm sitting on the goddamned pad.) 
  * Transportalizer Pad Shell x 2  (STILL sitting on the pad, Dirk.) 
  * AC Unit Shell x 2
  * Riot Shield x 1
  * Shild x 1  (SO shitty. It's great. Matches the Sord perfectly. Completely useless in a fight, though.)
  * Auto-Bubble x 1
  * Electro-Bubble x 1
  * Crown of the Heir of Mind x 4  (Had to grind for AGES to get the materials for these. It doesn't even DO anything, for fuck's sake! Does it? There is at least a 50% chance it does and I just haven't noticed yet.) 
  * Portable Wardobifier x 1
  * Wardrobifier Sylladex Plugin x 50 (There. Enough for everyone and then some.)
  * Cyberplush Bodysuit x 1
  * Fiber Optic Hair Dye x 1 (Hell yes.) 
  * ...




	8. =====> Dirk and Roxy: Be in Cahoots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a conversation snippet in which Dirk and Roxy gush over how cute their 'little brother' is. :D

TT: Oh man, don’t even get me started on the Mindey Thing.  
TT: It’s _hilarious,_ Rox.  
TT: He gets this _look_ and bam, rapid-fire non-stop word vomit and mile-high text walls.  
TT: (Also, his cable-lines shine brighter than the gaudiest neon sign on LOPAN and his eyes literally glow. I think they might have even sparkled once or twice.)  
TT: I can’t tell if he hates it or adores it.  
TT: Because on the one hand, it practically turns him into an _Exposition Fairy._  
TT: But on the other, it’s _talking._  
TT: And as we both know, this is _Hal._  
TG: omg that is totes adorbs  
TG: flashing his silly emotes on the visor is one thing but this?  
TG: this is major record-breaking levels of cute  
TG: like, super sparkly unicorns n fluffy kittens on rainbows levels of cute  
TG: did u give him a medal?  
TG: if not u need to give him 1 ASAP  
TT: Sadly, I haven't. I don't have anything nearly girly enough on hand to Alchemize one with. Mind helping me out?  
TT: I was thinking tacky. Also pink. “Prettiest Princess!” in a really obnoxious curly font, maybe.  
TG: rofl YES I am 100 bajillion percent down w this plan  
TG: we can use batterbitch’s glitterpocalypse bling folder  
TG: p sure its around here somewhere  
TT: Awesome. I’ll start gathering supplies.  
TG: roger that! I’ll message u when I’m on my way, k?  
TT: Sure.  
TG: neway...  
TG: commencing operation Give Hal A Medal For Being A Cutie Patootie iiiin  
TG: 3  
TG: 2  
TG: 1  
TG: GO!  
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--


	9. =====> Narrator: Share viewpoint of symbolism and related media in relation to the Striders.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kind of wanted to share this... It initially started in "Brobot's" point of view, but shifted to just be an outside viewpoint. I like writing weird, poetic stuff from time to time.
> 
> Also, yes. Thirteen Striders. THIRTEEN. STRIDERS. ...Well, twelve, really, since "Seppucrow" is a bird, but still. Think I might post some of my little ideas next; plot bunnies I haven't developed or integrated into stories yet. Maybe I'll inspire someone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 9/16/2014:** Many thanks to CurlicueCal for reminding me about another story with a thematic link to "Brobot!"

The Knight. [The Legends of King Arthur, The Sword in the Stone, The Black Cauldron, TTGL]  
 _He wields a ‘broken’ Excalibur stronger than a blade unblemished. A rightful hero in all eyes but his own._

The Rogue. [Kagerou Days, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica, TTGL]  
 _He wields a lonely blade sheathed within his heart. A self-sacrificing phoenix who once carried the weight of Doom upon his shoulders._

The Guardian. [Brothers Lionheart, Code Geass, Pinocchio, TTGL]  
 _Larger than life, the untouchable. He shared the fate of the inspiration for his armor, trusting his twinned 'Simon' to finish the fight._

The Rebel. [SBAHJ, David and Goliath]  
 _Caged by the cruel whims of Time and necessity, he fought and fell, leaving his legacy to the child raised by solitude in the shadow of his ghost._

The Prince. [ ┐(ﾟ～ﾟ)┌ ]  
 _A creator. A blade. A destroyer. A lonely boy. He whose Heart is so vast it spilled over to inspire new life._

The Heir. [2001: A Space Odyssey, Green Lantern, A.I. Artificial Intelligence]  
 _A Heart’s loyalty and self-doubt. A lonely child who claimed selfishness while faithfully following the path of unity, unseen._

The Puppet. [Pinocchio, The Velveteen Rabbit]  
 _The Vessel of a demon, chained by fate. Guardian angel of the flame-eyed children, offered Life in defiance of destiny._

The Mismatched Pair. [ ┐(ﾟ～ﾟ)┌ ]  
 _Younger and older, a Heart’s companionship. ‘Make-believe’ family and bonds of rust and rhyme._

The Ghost. [ ┐(ﾟ～ﾟ)┌ ]  
 _A fragment of Heart given life by Hope. Strangely content in the oddity of his existence._

The Bunny. [Alice in Wonderland, The Velveteen Rabbit, Con Air?]  
 _A Heart’s comfort and restlessness. Flighty, fidgeting, fleet of foot; a White Rabbit of plush and steel._

The Warrior. [Daniel in the Lion’s Den, Kokoro Kiseki, Tarzan?, Toy Soldiers (the Eminem song), The Brave Tin Soldier]  
 _A Heart’s will and focus. The watchful blade with a juxtaposed mind, friend to the pale-hued beasts._

The Crow. [The Magical Creature Partner trope in general.]  
 _A stubborn bird once pierced by a blade. Self-appointed custodian of the dark-winged phoenix._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Seriously, though, imagining Hal as David in A.I. Artificial Intelligence makes me really sad. Not sure how many people know the movie, but... Well. Yeah.


	10. Drabble bits and idea fragments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna use anything as a prompt, go ahead. I just felt like sharing some of my ideas and thoughts about this 'verse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 9/11/2014:** Made some minor grammar edits, reordered one thing, and colored any speech.  
>  **EDIT 9/30/2014:** Added a link to Self-Image in its section.

Story Bits:

[Self-Image](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2365637) (AKA what’s going on off-screen between chapter 2 and 3 of Session: Auto-Balance)

Dirk and Hal find a return gate to Hal's "entry building" near the Quest Bed (Death-Navi shows Hal where it is) and they go through it, ending up outside the structure. On the outside, it looks just like Dirk's apartment. Hal is leaning on Dirk for support because his balance is still shit and he doesn't want to embarrass himself further with the potential of failing at flying. They kind of go sideways through the door, Dirk entering first, but Hal jerks back the second his foot crosses the threshold and freaks out. The inside of the building appears to be Hal's old inner mindscape, his "little world of code and circuits", and when he crossed the threshold every part of him indoors turned into the blurry blob of light he'd seen most of his body as while Dirk stayed solid (also glowing orange) and distinct. But they have to go in because Hal was able to coax Death-Navi into revealing that he and Davesprite are a Client-Server pair and Dirk and Hal promised Jade they'd help her track him down. Dirk didn't see what happened when Hal stepped in, but he definitely notices Hal retreat (especially since Hal ends up falling over again and scrambles back on his hands and knees).  
 **EDIT:**  This was the initial premise, but as is often the case with rough drafts, the story it developed into ended up following a slightly different track. It's more stream-of-consciousness than the usual Homestuck narration style and jumps right into what happens after Hal goes inside the building. Actually, in a way, it's also a look at how disturbing the concept of reliving memories in the dream bubbles can really be.

Ideas

Here's something that I probably should have mentioned way back in The Fifth Noble. My personal headcanon is that if an "inanimate object" is prototyped with a sprite, it will be left behind in the case of a Spritesplosion (ex: AR shades, maimed Harlequin doll, Cthulhu-fied princess doll, Seppucrow katana (and feathers)) while any living components are sent to the dream bubbles.

The new troll-planet is called Coexis, and it took Venus's place in the Solar System ("sister planet", nocturnal trolls, lethal sunlight).

Dave and Terezi might end up as moirails of a sort. :/

Sollux, Roxy and Hal end up forming a regularly-meeting Hackers Club while in the Medium and hold periodic debates over which programming languages are the best/worst to work with, the pros and cons of binary vs hexadecimal (bonus round: Binary VS Beenary, starring Lil Hal Strider and Sollux Captor), and whether or not Fetch Modi based on data structures actually function more or less identically to their namesakes (and if they even should in the first place). Karkat and John sit in sometimes, and Mituna occasionally participates as well. These meetings continue in the new Universe, usually via video-chat conferences.

Kankri hassles Signless pretty much immediately upon arriving in the new Universe, so the Ancestors end up switching descendants to deal with for the moment. Karkat and his Beforan counterpart find each other surprisingly tolerable.

Cal has a tendency to flop onto any available surface (so long as it's sufficiently comfortable, at least). He can often be found sprawled across the infamously shitty futon like the plush ventriloquist doll he used to be or perched on top of the fridge, merrily swinging his legs back and forth. Other times, usually when he has a headache (which seem to be a fairly chronic thing), he retreats to the crawlspace and naps in the smuppet pile Dirk and Bro set up just for him, along with his little mannequin. Also, the creepy lurking thing? Yeah, he still does that. It's... not really on purpose.

Seppucrow gets named Kusanagi (or names himself/herself? I'm still not quite sure what gender to make him/her), because swords.  
 **EDIT:** Probably going to be a she.

Crow bursts out laughing when he first realizes that _he has no clue what time it is,_ because it just hits him all at once that,  “Holy shit I’m not an ex-Knight of Time anymore, hell I’m not even _Time,_ I’m free of the goddamn countdown clock telling me I’m running on borrowed seconds; I’m not a Doomed Dave, I’m not any Dave, I’m _myself,_ what the hell; why am I so fucking _relieved?!”_

Hal loves his tiara and does not give a shit about gendered clothing (he also doesn't get why gender is “such a big deal”). He will wear a skirt or dress if he wants to and will give zero shits about it as long as he’s allowed to wear leggings or his bodysuit underneath. Having his skin exposed makes him uncomfortable (it isn't actually sensory overload— it’s dysphoria. As shades, his circuits were always safely encased in glass; clothing is his “casing” now). Kanaya loves him (as a clothes model) because he willingly models clothes for her, makes good suggestions, and always hears her out and explains his reasoning for when he _doesn't_ agree with her fashion advice (she has long since abandoned any and all “show more skin” arguments in favor of seeing just how many ways she can experiment with leggings, long-sleeved shirts, cable-cozies, and bodysuits).

Jade is in a relationship with Dave and Crow. This was, of course, her idea, and she called them Very Silly for thinking they should 'back off and let the other guy have her', because "I want BOTH of you, duh!"

At some point, Dirk will ask Hal about the whole “last digit of Pi is 4” thing. Hal will blink blankly at him in disbelief, because really, he didn't get it?, and answer, “Dude. It was a joke. How did you not get that it was a joke? The most common abbreviation of Pi is three point one- _four.”_ Hal will then proceed to FTFO in worry over having “broken Dirk’s brain” while the ‘elder’ Strider kind of just sits/stands there gaping at him after a few aborted attempts at speech.

Troll Lara Croft is male and Troll Indiana Jones is female. Troll Indiana Jones looks suspiciously like Beforan Aradia and Troll Lara Croft looks ~~disturbingly~~ hilariously similar to Jake English.

At some point, the Striders (at a minimum Dirk and Hal, maybe Cal too) watch A.I. Artificial Intelligence, possibly recommended by Dann. Hal watches the entire thing silently and with an emotionless face, and when the credits finish rolling he gets up, walks over to the DVD player, removes the disc, and breaks it into pieces. He drops the broken fragments to the floor and walks off to his room, quietly shuts the door, and locks it. Dead silence and a thick heaviness in the air envelop the area around his room for hours. He has nightmares that night. Dirk hates the protagonist’s “brother” quite a bit because he sees himself in him.

Jane is still the heiress to Crockercorp. More specifically, she’s the Heiress to Crockercorp-Earth. According to the new Earth’s history/paper trails, Condie entered into a legal partnership with Colonel Sassacre to found the Terran branch and, after he died in a “hunting accident”, spent most of her time on Earth for the next three or so decades to raise his orphaned children (Jonathan, Janet, Jacob, and Jade E.). Most news sources see it as having been a way for her to gain sympathy, some negatively so, some positively. Empress Condesce handles military policy, etc., on Coexis as well as running the main branch of Corckercorp while Empress Kindness takes care of education, public works, etc.. Or something....

On Beforus, the Outraged was found in the Brooding Caverns by the Designer and subsequently raised there. He went down in history for his campaign to reform the breeding system to allow for recognition of off-shades (not full-on mutant colors, just imperfect matches to the Spectrum colors) by Lusii, greatly decreasing the amount of excessive grub death and need for early-age culling by Jadebloods. (I think it's fairly easy to guess who the Outraged and the Designer are. :D )


	11. Beforan Ancestor titles and another little idea.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Figured I might as well share the idea I had about the Cherubs. Also, Beforan Ancestors. Wonder what people will think of the titles I came up with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 10/07/2014:** Fixed Outraged's color.  
>  **EDIT 09/13/2016:** Added more horse names and the llamas.

Beforan Aradia:  The Pathfind, The Spelunky (Troll Indiana Jones?)  
Beforan Tavros: The Lanceman (Pupa Pan?)  
Beforan Sollux: The 2aboteur  
Beforan Karkat: The Outraged  
Beforan Nepeta: The Huntress  
Beforan Kanaya: The Designer  
Beforan Terezi: The Lawsworn  
Beforan Vriska: The Fortun8t, The Wildcard  
Beforan Equius: The STRENGTH  
Beforan Gamzee: The Mirthful  
Beforan Eridan: The Marksman, The Faithful  
Beforan Feferi: Her Imperial Compassion, Empress Kindness, "Empress Coddlefish"

Idea: Though Caliborn and Calliope became trolls upon entering the new Universe (complete with a Siamese Snakemom & Snakedad Lusus), they didn't show up on Coexis. They showed up at a ranch near a warm-blooded troll community in the English countryside (or maybe in the American Midwest?). The deed is listed to 'Callie Ophee' and 'Khaleb Burnne'. Their Lusus is really good at playing sheepdog for the horses. Though he will loudly deny it, Khaleb actually enjoys it and spoils his favorite horses rotten. He also named them all 'so his stupid bitch sister couldn't give them shitty names.' ...Well, actually he just named all the males (and a white mare named Maple ~~butt~~ ), because it was easier to grumble that 'he didn't care' than argue with Callie when she objected to him naming them Bitch 2, Bitch 3, et cetera. His very favorite is Jigsaw.

One of the horses is named Hades, actually. Just because. Also Jigsaw is a very intelligent horse. Eventually the Massis siblings get llamas as well, one of which Khaleb names Puzzle, and the runt of the group is named Sprinkles. The ranch is a very interesting place indeed. 


	12. Fun Fact About the 'Alternate' Cancers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AKA the names and trolltags of Signless and Outraged (Beforan Karkat) in this 'verse.

Trolls are named by their Lusii. Signless and Outraged were raised by trolls (Dolorosa and Designer, respectively). So, though they "somehow" ended up with Vantas as their surname, their first names are different.

Signless, though Dolorosa may have initially named him something else, took up the name Kankri since that was the name he was addressed by in his dreams of his former life on Beforus. His full name is Kankri Maryam-Vantas, AKA Signless, and his trolltag is oneRemembers [OR]. He keeps it hemoanonymous out of habit.

The Outraged, on the other hand... His 'wiggler' name is Cherry. Designer would have named him Scarlet, due to the bright red coloration of his blood (and therefore his grubself), but he kept biting her whenever she used that name. Cherry was grudgingly accepted, so Cherry he became, and Cherry he stayed. Cherry's trolltag is obnoxiouslyRed [OR].


	13. =====> Dann: Pester Hal.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hal and Daniel discuss their hypothetical positions in the Lantern Corps., a project is initiated, an event that will occur later on in System Reboot is hinted at, and Halloween plans are made.
> 
> I don't actually know that much about the Green Lantern (I saw the movie, at least, but haven't read any of the comics), so please feel free to tell me if I got something wrong. Indigo is the Compassion one, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 11/2/2014:** Did some rephrasing.

\-- dangerousStrifer [DS] began pestering divellicateFabricatus [DF] at 20:04 GMT --  
DS: You were right in one respect. I am not a [Black Lantern].  
DF: Told you, bro. Green as green can be. You'd make a terrifying Red, though.  
DS: [Blue].  
DF: You're shitting me.  
DS: [Knight of Hope].  
DF: Ouch.  
DS: Acknowledged. Extensive recovery time will be necessary to restore the sheer amount of servos I fried. Or whatever equivalent this body has... My sense of balance has been thrown entirely offline and my audio inputs are glitching painfully.  
DF: Double ouch. Judging by what you described, it seems highly likely that you damaged your inner ear.  
DS: Will repairs be necessary?  
DF: Probably not. It should heal on its own as long as it isn't too bad.  
DF: Anyway. Blue Lantern? _You?_ Dude, I don't care if you're Hope Aspect, you're the farthest thing from a healer there is. Think that'd be worse than you as a Red, somehow.  
DS: You would make at least an equally dangerous [Yellow Lantern] as I would a [Red], if not more so.  
DF: ...  
DF: Yeah, I would.  
DS: Meanwhile, I would be wreaking havoc and sowing destruction as a [Red Lantern berserker].  
DF: That would suck.  
DS: Debatable. There are pros. You would likely be one of the most powerful [Yellow Lanterns]. I would be an equally formidable [Red]. Additionally, my [blood] would finally revert to a state I am more familiar with.  
DF: It seems there is a 99.9% chance tainted blood is in no functional way similar to oil or coolant.  
DS: I am aware. Having a pulse is unnerving regardless.  
DF: Really? I find it pretty exhilarating, myself.  
DS: You find _sleep_ exhilarating. In addition, you possess [memories] of life as a fully-human entity. I lack such reference.  
DF: Point. Anyway, as interesting as it would be to be a Yellow Lantern, mandatory psychological trauma aside, I would still prefer to be in one of the 'good' Corps. They tend to have longer lifespans.  
DS: Acknowledged. Alternate route: [Best-Worst Green Lantern] and [Unlikeliest Blue Lantern].  
DF: You are so not a Blue Lantern, robro.  
DS: Debatable.  
DF: Not debatable.  
DS: Acknowledged. Status maintained.  
DF: Yes. I am aware of your status as a Green Lantern.  
DS: [Teal], then. An in-between.  
DF: That Corps. doesn't exist. Also, no, you can't borrow my tiara.  
DS: I'd make one. Your [accessory], though aesthetically pleasing, is irrelevant.  
DF: What would even _go_ between willpower and hope?  
DS: [Belief].  
DF: It seems I almost choked on the sheer volume of cliches loaded into that statement.  
DS: Not that variety of belief. [Worldview]. One's personal reality, and forcing the world to conform to it.  
DS: Then again, it is irrelevant. I am a [Blue].  
DF: You are _not_ a Blue Lantern.  
DS: You have marked potential to be [Indigo].  
DF: Lies and slander.  
DS: Then accept the truth.  
DF: I am. It seems you are the one rejecting it, Denial Robot.  
DS: I refuse to wear that color.  
DF: Oh. Starting up a new project? It seems red is out by default, then.  
DS: Affirmative. Yellow would be agreeable if need be, but blue is preferred.  
DF: Speaking of projects, what kind, cosmetic?  
DS: Possibly. Use as a [template] for a protective bodysuit is more probable. My current long-term goal is to develop a functional equivalent to the fictional suits. Being limited to my default [shell] is inconvenient and detrimental. Additional options for armor would be highly beneficial.  
DF: Alright, I'm game. Blue suit for you, green for me. We should get the others to join in and have a rainbow of Lanterns rounded up for Halloween.  
DS: Acknowledged. Proposal: Development of base blueprints followed by speculation on ideal matches for remaining slots.  
DF: No problem, robro. Let's get started.


	14. A small thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The current upd8 sort of put me in the mood to be depressing, so here's a little not-so-fun fact about the events leading up to The Fifth Noble.

Something Hal will never, EVER admit to Dirk is that, in order to save his life, he _agreed_ to let himself be ripped apart. He couldn't beat Equius's mind-controlled STRENGTH of will on his own, not in such a short span of time, so he had no choice but to get the Sprite code's help (they shared the same goal; the Sprite Guide is not supposed to cause lasting harm to a Player, _especially_ its own). He honestly didn't expect to wake up after that.


	15. =====> Khaleb: Do business.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a taciturn troll coordinates his art commissions and is pestered by a human. Also in which the author practices writing interesting minor characters!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to make things truly random, to make the handle abbreviations for the chatroom people, I actually went and looked up a 26-sided die simulator. Thought that might be cool to share.

\-- jigsawPuzzlemurders [JP] joined the chatroom. --  
JP: IA. Your commission is done.  
JP: Just need to make a trip to the post office to ship.  
JP: How is Friday. Any last requests?  
JP: DB. Have you picked which colour sample you like yet? If you did already. Sorry.  
JP: The message might have gotten lost. Computer trouble again.  
JP: Small commissions open. Willing to take on a long project or two.  
JP: My rates are posted on the site. Discussion welcome. As always.  
JP: Just checking in for now. Busy at the moment.  
JP: Be back in an hour or two.  
\-- jigsawPuzzlemurders [JP] left the chatroom. --  
WF: the jigsaw ghost strikes again!  
IA: yep.  
WF: things go quiet n poof!  
WF: he leaves like 10 messages at once n leaves b4 any1 can get a word in edgewise!  
IA: friday's fine by me jp. as for any requests... nah. surprise me.  
WF: how does he do it? its rlly weird.  
DB: magic, maybe?  
GD: magics fake as shit.  
WF: no1 asked u gd!  
DB: and yeah, I did. I'll re-send. you have computer trouble a lot, jp. maybe you should get your pc checked some time.

=====> Time: Pass.

\-- jigsawPuzzleMurders [JP] joined the chatroom. --  
JP: Surprise you. Huh. Sure.  
JP: Thanks DB. I got it this time.  
JP: WF and GD. Magic is real. And also. Fake as shit. It all depends.  
JP: As for my husktop. The last time I tried that. I got electrocuted.  
DB: you got electrocuted? uhhh...  
JP: It was an accident. I'm fine. It won't happen again.  
WF: ow that sucks.  
WF: but still...  
WF: HA!  
WF: I KNEW U WERE A TROLL!  
WF: ooh! whats ur quirk jp? u guys all use those right?  
JP: Why are you. Even interested.  
WF: because!

=====>

You get the feeling you're going to regret this.

JP: Sure. Why not.  
JP: THIS. IS MY QuIRK.  
JP: AS YOu CAN SEE. IT IS REALLY NOT MuCH DIFFERENT. FROM HOW I uSuALLY TYPE.  
WF: why is only the u lowercase?  
JP: Because. That's my quirk?  
WF: but WHY?  
JP: That is why.  
WF: but why did u start typing like that 2 begin w/?  
\-- jigsawPuzzlemurders [JP] left the chatroom. --  
WF: aww.

=====>

...You really don't understand people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, WF's handle is, for whatever reason, wizardFreak. The others are still undecided, comments and suggestions welcome, please!


	16. =====> Hal: Flip your shit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little snippet.

You're busy working out what kind of clothing to alchemize (can't wear this bodysuit all the time, and though you could perpetually wear your GT jammies in theory, you'd prefer having more options than less) when Dirk suddenly stops talking (and signing) mid-word.

"...The hell is that?"

"Is what?"

Next thing you know his shades are off, he's squinting at you, and a hand is reaching for your neck. He makes contact (suddenly you're seeing your own face through his eyes and feeling a small, raised scar beneath his fingers while you stare at him with your own and feel his fingers on your neck) and you jerk away as if burned (you might as well have been), captchalogue your bodysuit (obtaining a Sylladex had been the first order of business), and squirm your way out of the top of your GT jammies.

=====>

(Alchemizing a mirror is easy. Breaking it is even easier.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, a bit more expository rambling! Dirk didn't create Hal's body with the scars. The cables, freckles, and Avian physiology weren't his doing, either. That all happened when Hal went God Tier and the body truly became his. The height, though, is accurate: Hal pre-growth spurt is "three feet fourteen inches" tall (four foot two), as this 'verse's Dirk was at age thirteen. Post-growth spurt the kid is gleefully significantly taller than Dirk's not-that-far-above-five feet (he's kind of stunted from growing up on the limited diet afforded by being alone in the middle of the ocean), though it also takes him a while to get used to the new center of balance. "Brobot" is exactly five feet tall at this point and I am unsure how tall he will end up.


	17. =====> Ex-Cherubs: Have a family day out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated anything in forever! I'm not a very consistent writer. ^.^; Hope y'all enjoy this, though!

=====>

Your name is... Khaleb. Khaleb Burnne, or Massis, or Burnne-Massis, or something. That’s what the papers say, anyway. (You’re getting better at recognizing your own name as yours instead of thinking of his.)

Also, you're somewhere weird again. It's not even your fault this time. In... somewhere hot. Uhh.

Hmm.

Oh. Lucky. You actually remembered to recaptchalogue for once. Still getting used to having something accessible instead of your old Juju modus. Those green cubes are handy.

So... you’re in Mexico, then. Could be worse. This is in no way the weirdest thing to ever happen to you. Not even close. (You’re not even mad. The heat is nice, and you’re typing a message to your... your m... moi... ...that guy without even really thinking about it. It’s... easy. Today’s a good day, for you. Especially for you. A great day, even.)

...Maybe you can meet a llama.

=====>

You are once again Khaleb, several hours later, and you are brainstorming llama names.

You aren’t having the best run of it right now, though, especially with the dumb farmer giving all three of you dirty looks (don’t growl at him, he’s just a dumb speciesist dog-human, not worth it, and business is business anyway; he may not want you here, but he does want your money, so it’s fine. You hope. (You never thought you’d find a time when you would actually _want_ to have a weapon on you, but with this guy, you’re not sure. Hopefully you’re just being paranoid, or it’s another dumb echo. Or both.)) while... Callie negotiates. Also, his voice is stupid. And his clothes are stupid. And he’s stupid. Rude sheepdog asshole.

(And if you’re meeting every dirty look with a glare of your own, well. You’d rather the asshole focus on you and not Yalta, so. Subtly obnoxious it is. (Too bad this jerk has the best llamas. Anyone who can still be this rude after a few minutes of talking to your sister is a verified asshole. (You would know.)))

...You should distract yourself before you start growling. Or bare your teeth.

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] at __:__ CST --  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] shared file NOTACTuALLYALLAMA.jpeg --  
TT: No shit, man. That’s an alpaca. Why did you just send me a picture of an alpaca?  
uu: I KNOW. THAT WAS THE WRONG PICTuRE. I MEANT TO SEND. THIS ONE.  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] shared file WE’REBuYINGLLAMAS.jpeg --  
TT: Okay. Dare I ask _why_ you and I’m assuming Callie are out shopping at llama farms?  
uu: AND THAT GuY. C  
uu: MY BITCH SISTER IS. JuST HERE TO CO-SIGN. OBVIOuSLY.  
TT: Sure. I believe you.  
uu: SHuT uP. THE ANSWER IS SHENANIGANS. IT’S ALWAYS SHENANIGANS.  
uu: ...  
uu: DO YOu HAVE ANY. NAME SuGGESTIONS. JuST IN CASE.  
TT: Ohhhh boy. Thanks but no thanks. Word of advice, though? I know it’s your ranch and you can name your livestock whatever you want, but please tell me you’re not naming any of them Murder.  
uu: OF COuRSE NOT. THAT WOuLD BE. IN TERRIBLE TASTE. AND I’D HAVE TO BuY IT A HAT.  
TT: You watch Llamas with Hats. Why am I not surprised.  
uu: I ALREADY CALLED DIBS. ON PuZZLE. FOR MY FAVOuRITE. AND SPRINKLES. FOR THE RuNT.

=====>

Your name is Dirk Strider and you just facepalmed so hard you nearly fell out of your chair.

TT: You’re joking, right?  
uu: YOuR STuPID FACE. IS A JOKE.  
TT: I’ll take that as a no.  
uu: NO.  
TT: Yeah, I got that.  
uu: NOT YOu. THIS ASSHOLE.  
uu: HE DID NOT. HE DID FuCKING NOT JuST.  
uu: HE DID.  
uu: STuPID SPECIESIST DOG-GuY JuST INSuLTED OuR HORSE-RANCHING QuALIFICATIONS.  
uu: tUMUt  
uu: TIME FOR WHAT YOu WOuLD CALL. AN EPIC BEATDOWN. WITH WORDS.  
TT: Go get ‘im, tiger.  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--

=====>

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU] at __:__ CST --  
TT: Hey. Having fun with the impromptu family day out?  
UU: why, yes! very mUch so! ^U^ i assUme my brother told yoU?  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: _Please_ tell me you’re recording this somehow.  
UU: of coUrse i am! i will make sUre to post all photographs and video footage to a memo once we retUrn home and have finished settling oUr new foUr-legged friends in, don’t yoU worry!  
TT: Awesome. Can’t wait. Have fun out there, yeah? Do me a favor and try to get the brat to wear his sunglasses. Especially if he gets to the point where his eyes are totally shut no matter how much he denies it and he starts bumping into things. You too.  
UU: i make no promises as to the oUtcome of sUch an endeavor, bUt i will at least make an attempt, yes! as for myself, no worries! i came prepared!  
\-- uranianUmbra [UU] shared file groUpphoto.jpeg --  
TT: Aww, that sunhat looks adorable on you.  
UU: thank yoU, thoUgh it’s nothing special. yoU flatter me, dirk! @UuU@  
TT: Nah, just speaking the truth, little lady. Have fun, stay safe, boring adult cliche statement, et cetera, I’mma go back to working on this project.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [UU] \--  
UU: a wonderfUl day to yoU as well!  
\-- uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

=====>

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering divellicateFabricatus [DF] at __:__ CST --  
TT: Yo.  
\-- divellicateFabricatus [DF] is an idle chum! --  
DF: This is an auto-response (yeah yeah the autoresponder is using auto-responses, ha fucking HA, let’s all laugh at the compubro) generated for the purpose of _STOP PESTERING ME WHILE I’M AT SCHOOL, DIRK!_ It seems I have in fact been trying to limit my multitasking in order to focus on my classes in spite of distacting manchild jellysquiddles and broverly-interested AI twins because midterms are fast approaching and I am not getting a 99 this time so help me Eldritch tentacle gods by staying far the fuck away no offense just a Prospit dude minding his own business nothing to see here.  
DF: TLDR, it seems there is a 100% certainty that I am busy at the broment; leave a message after the beep.  
DF: Beep.  
\-- divellicateFabricatus [DF] is an idle chum! --  
TT: You’re totally faking that. It’s different every time. Also, nice try bro, I know it’s your lunch period right now.  
DF: During which I am _studying_. Also eating. And of course not. I have a shit-ton of witty responses floating in a generator pool that I occasionally add to and subtract from as needed to keep things fresh and interesting. The lengths I go to to keep y’all entertained.  
TT: Uh huh. And that’s why it had my name included.  
DF: Are you seriously implying you wouldn’t include a sorter for incoming handles if you were in my sweet kicks?  
TT: Uh huh. You are _so_ full of shit, lil bro.  
DF: As are you. Piss off and/or get to the point, chop chop. This shitty cafeteria food isn’t going to eat itself. ...I hope.  
TT: Cut the melodrama, princess. You pack your own lunches.  
DF: It’s Tuesday. I like the dumb freezer pizzas.  
DF: Get to the point or I’m blocking you.  
TT: Cherubtrolls plus snakedude family day out. Callie should be posting records of the event tonight.  
DF: Oh hell yes. Any clue what the catalyst was?  
TT: Nothing beyond blind guesses. Our friendly neighborhood trainwreck answered with ‘shenanigans’ and I didn’t want to take up too much of Callie’s time.  
DF: Hmm. You didn’t ask Not-Douche?  
TT: Excuse me for not being as electronically extroverted as a certain midget. I’m not going to just message the guy out of nowhere; he barely knows me. It’d be awkward.  
DF: Yes. I believe you. I am also the Queen of France.  
TT: Don’t you mean England?  
DF: Hell no. _Everyone_ uses England. Shit’s boring.  
DF: Anyway, lunch period’s halfway over and I have better shit to do than nag you about your irrational fear of socializing with your sub-Denizen.  
TT: Says the one with a 2:1 ratio of absconding at the sight of Janus.  
DF: Fuck off. Meatspace is not my forte, as we both know, and my track record is a hell of a lot less embarrassing than yours, mister ‘it’d be awkward’. Unless the apartment is on fire again, would it be safe for me to assume that we are done here?  
TT: Nah, we’re good. Square’s quick with the extinguisher.  
DF: Burns?  
TT: Negligible. What kind of sandwich do you want for mid-homework noshing?  
DF: Tunafish, no mayo, with the good celery. Save me some chips.  
TT: Roger that.  
DF: Awesome. Plz and thank you, bye.  
\-- divellicateFabricatus [DF] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw the "distacting manchild jellysquiddles and broverly-interested AI twins" mentioned by Hal are actually alternates of his. They're from my other two AUs, the TWA one and the Unnatural Science one. Sorry I haven't been brave enough to post and/or write more stuff for that yet! They all intertwine though. I am probably not making any sense. Sorry. Hope you enjoyed, and comments are always, always welcome! They really do help. Have a wonderful night/day/whatever time you happen to be reading this, everyone!


	18. ======> Equius: Slip up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny chatroom fragment idea thing I had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **EDIT 08/06/2015:** Did some tweaking, fixed Equius's quirk (hopefully), and added a bit more dialogue between him and Hal.

DF: Thanks again for the weird Chucklevoodoo save, btw. Saved me the embarrassment of getting creamed or some equally 100dicrous Zahhakshit. And yes, I'm fine.  
tc: :o)  
\-- centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo. --  
CT: D --> How many times must I tell you this, human?  
DF: Tell me what, tough guy? It seems it slipped my oh-so-inferior robro-mammalian mind.  
CT: D --> As if your occasional use of my quirk as a base joke was not 100d enough, your language is foul as well  
CT: D --> You will stop  
DF: Naaaah.  
CT: D --> I order you to stop appbropriating my  
CT: D --> ...e%cuse me  
\-- centaursTesticle [CT] left the memo. --  
DF: Ahahahahahahaha _YES._  
DF: I told you, bro! Told you one would get through eventually! I warned you, dawg! Hahahahaha!  
tc: (o:


	19. =====> Khaleb: Chat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little more art-commission chatroom fun, heh.
> 
> **EDIT 10/15/2015:** Made it so Khaleb sends Hal the thing as uu and not JP.

JP: By the way, WF. Just because I use a husktop. Doesn't automatically mean I'm a troll. It's a type of computer. That's all. Sure, I am a troll, but an assumption. Is an assumption.  
WF: yea yea yea assumption ashmumption.  
WF: i was still rite!  
JP: There are all kinds of. Computers.  
WF: oooo! is it ramblerant time? tell me its ramblerant time!  
JP: u_ut  
IA: you have to admit dude. your 'ramble rants' are interesting. and kind of a thing by now.  
JP: tU_Ut  
IA: shutting up.  
JP: Thanks.  
WF: plzzzzzzzzzzz????? 'n'  
JP: tumut  
WF: w/ a montin o sugar on top b/c iirc ur sweet tooth is ridic?  
JP: ...fine.  
WF: yay!!! :)  
JP: As I was saying.  
JP: There are all kinds. Of computers. Husktech or metaltech or otherwise. Portable ones. Not so portable ones. Sturdy ones. Hunks of junk. Super specialized. Nerd ones. Or whatever they're called.  
JP: An acquaintance. Uses those weird bee ones. I don't get it. Bees are for making honey. And keeping flowers healthy.  
JP: A computer run by. Horsepower would be cool, though. As long as it wasn't bad for. The horses.  
JP: ...I just made a pun. Didn't I.  
WF: u most certnly did! :D  
\-- jigsawPuzzlemurders [JP] left the chatroom. --

=====>

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began trolling divellicateFabricatus [DF] at __:__ ??T --  
uu: "A computer run by. Horsepower would be cool, though. As long as it wasn't bad for. The horses."  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased trolling divellicateFabricatus [DF] \--  
DF: Pfft. Nice.  
\-- divellicateFabricatus [DF] ceased pestering undyingUmbrage [uu] \--


	20. => Caliborn: Fuck up royally.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which nothing makes sense and everything hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hhhhh child I'm so sorry
> 
>  **EDIT 07/16/2016:** This has actually become part of the Fifth Noble rewrite, ehe.

Numbers. Numbers numbers numbers. All your eyes can see. Numbers. Numbers tick tock timetimetimeTime made the deal took the offer crushed your Denizen defeated Yaldabaoth the artifact touched the artifact one-use-only supposed to be one-use-only haven't used it yet but since you touched it since you touched it timetimeTime slipping jarring you're Lord of Time why are you slipping why is everything out of sync whywhywhywhy past-you thought the numbers were badass rainbow flashing color color technicolor pool balls perfect show of victory over this game perfect trophy take the numbers make Time make sense again but it isn't working isn't working too many numbers can't think can't think can't think don't know how long what you're doing just numbers colors numbers colors numbers numbers numbers (part of you some part of you clings to purple-4 to fragments of lucky number and number of humans and purple clown guy who just won't die) can't think can't think can't think they're here numbers numbers numbers can't think can't think voices colors numbers 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 no too many too many 4 you want 4 you want purple (past-you's voice narrating in some part of your number-flooded mind) use the artifact and the slipsync desync of Time gets worse worse worse as the stage is set and lashing fighting losing redlight arms and sweat constricting constraining (flicker of something reaching into your head but you don't even know if it's real (red herring?)) and then cold dark puppet seal and numbers numbers numbers and screams come out as laughter something has to break something has to break something has to break you are going to BREAK-

 

-horse-

 

-red herring-

-corpse-

 

  
-and...-

 

  
_-ay a game, dirrrrk-_

 

 

-4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4-

 

 

-Time-

 

 

 

-break-

 

  
-C A L-

 

-omes next-

 

 

  
\- I B O R N...?-

 

 

 

-L I O P E...?-

 

_-Calliope_

numbers numbers numbers falling apart falling apart limegreeneyes what color are yours what color is yours you can't remember you can't remember it hurts it hurts it hurts so much pain and-

 

nothingness.


	21. =====> Khaleb: Send an invitation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ehehehehehehehe

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering ghostlyApostle [GA] at 01:11 ??T --  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering ghostlyApostle [GA] \--

\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] began trolling ghostlyApostle [GA] at 02:00 ??T --  
uu: HELLO. uH. HAL GAVE ME YOuR HANDLE. BuT THIS. ISN'T A MESSAGE FOR YOu. IT'S FOR HIM. THAT GuY. uH. YOu KNOW WHO. SO uH. KINDLY FuCK OFF. THANKS. OKAY. IS SHE GONE? HOPEFuLLY SHE'LL BE GONE AND. YOu'LL BE READING THIS INSTEAD. uH. I. uM. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. THAT GAME IS. "HOuSE." AS IN, I LIVE IN ONE. CuRRENTLY. AND YOu DON'T. SORT OF. AND OuR. I MEAN. THIS HOuSE CAME WITH A LOT OF. EXTRA ROOMS. AND THE PROPERTY IS BIG. SO IT WOuLD BE EASY TO, FOR EXAMPLE. SET uP A PLACE FOR. PEOPLE WHO CAN'T JuST GO BuY ONE. OKAY FuCK IT THE GAME PRETENSE IS. STuPID ANYWAY. I'M uH. TRYING TO OFFER YOu. A PLACE TO LIVE. IF YOu WANT. AND SHE'S. PROBABLY READING OVER YOuR SHOuLDER. OR SOMETHING. AND TO THAT. tUMUt NO. I'M NOT. PLANNING ANYTHING. NO. I WON'T. MAuL ANYONE. OR. OR WHATEVER PEOPLE THINK. WHAT THEY HAVE. EVERY RIGHT TO THINK. I JuST. WHY AM I EVEN. TYPING THIS? THIS IS STuPI  
\-- undyingUmbrage's [uu's] computer exploded! --


	22. ============> Kankri: Exist.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Kankri! ; )

You were not recruited by Rufioh's dancestor. You were not a volunteer. You were not given the chance to protest. You were not given the luxury of being free of your inner thoughts.

Outside, you are following. Inside, you have given up on screaming. Nothing lessens the silence. Nothing allows for the formation of any sort of connection.

The emptiness is maddening. The awareness of time's passage forced upon you by a set goal is agony.

You have no words to describe this. No lies. No pathetic, hollow coping mechanisms to try to make up for how empty death really is. No pettily appropriated symbols stolen from the "you" that actually accomplished something to make a mockery of with every stupid droning word you say.

No point continuing to struggle against the temptation to let go of whatever remains of whoever the imbecillic troll you used to be was when he was still alive, to just empty out completely and be "okay" with everything, dull and passive.

The problem is, you are not "okay" with it. You will never be okay with it. You don't want to be okay with it.

You want to scream.

You remain insufferable, even now.

============>

Green-skulled terror and white-hot double-death come as a relief.

============> Seer: Wake.

The first thing you are aware of is your bloodpusher.

The second is of Blood.

Flowing. Moving.

_Everywhere._

The third thing you are aware of is screaming. The fourth is physical pain. The fifth is being cold.

You are fairly certain you are, in fact, the one doing the screaming, that there are most definitely words coming out of your mouth, and that the source of the pain is likely yourself. You clearly lack the sweater Porrim made for you.

To take a page from the Knight's hide-bound literature packet, you don't give a _FUCK._

============> Someone else: Intervene.

Things get... hazier.

The next thing you are cognizant of is a pair of hands grasping yours, pulling them away from your chest.

(You can feel the other's _pulse_ make it stop make it stop this is awful you forgot how awful this was make it stop you'd even accept being empty again _make it stop-)_

"Easy now, wriggler. Leave your bloodpusher where it belongs, take deep breaths, and block it out. You know how."

"THE MOST CORDIAL OF THANKS TO YOU, OH MYSTERIOUS ADULT, FOR YOUR KIND BELIEF IN MY CAPABILITIES!! APOLOGIES IF I DO NOT SHARE THAT SENTIMENT, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED!!"

"Shoosh."

_What?!_

" _ **TRIGGER WARNING:** PALE RAPE! ADULT TROLLS! CULLING CULTURE! BLOOD! HEMOCASTISM! SELF-HARM! GAME POWERS! INAPPROPRIATE SHOOSHING!"_

"Please put the guns away, Kankri."

_**"NO!"**_

"Shooooooosh."

_"STOP SHOOSHING ME!! STOP **TOUCHING** ME!!"_

"Once you no longer pose a threat to yourself, I shall."

You scream until you can't scream anymore.

============>

Finally, your decidedly unwelcome Seer powers _fuck off and let you breathe._

Abruptly, your body recalls the exhaustion and stress it is being subjected to, and your disgusting _mutant_ self (hypocrite! liar!) flops weakly to the soft surface beneath you.

It feels like the stranger (who is an _adult,_  what is going on, have you been culled again?!) is applying bandages to your torso and hands.

Your vision finally returns-

All you manage this time is a hoarse squeak.

Your own face, older, wiser, far superior, kinder, and not nearly as weathered by legendary ordeals as you imagined it to be, is smiling down at you.

You want to scream at him some more. You want to break down and sob. You want to hurt him. You want to be held. You want to claw your bloodpusher out of your thoracic bonecage. You want it to stay right where it is forever. You want to be the empty, stagnant version of yourself again. You _never_ want to be the empty, stagnant version of yourself again.

You settle for staring dumbly up at the Signless Sufferer himself, dimly wondering what's going on and how this could even be happening, and let him pet your hair without protest. Once you feel a little less like you're going to explode, he sits back down in his chair by the far wall, giving you space, and you stare at him for a while as he decaptchalogues a husktop and quietly types on it.

When you can no longer handle seeing his face, you watch his hands instead and begin cataloging details. His nails are rounded, his arms are bare, and his skin is far smoother than you expected it to be. His movements overall don't seem quite as fluid as they should. His wrists are horribly scarred and he has multiple colorful wigglerish bracelets looped around each one. Those last two facts don't feel like they should go together at all, but the colors are something to focus on, at least.

============>

Your name is KANKRI VANTAS and you are SOMEHOW ALIVE AGAIN.

So is YOUR ALTERNATE INCARNATION.

You have no idea what to feel about anything, least of all this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kankri's weapons are scythekind and triggerkind. In PC8+2, he always says "tw" instead of "trigger warning" unless he's actually summoning his guns. His chastity and eventual forced pacifism were his responses to his Seer Powers, which he finds overwhelming. Also this version of him is a really messed-up kid under the supercillious veneer, apparently? This drabble just kinda... happened.


End file.
